I have a lot of bad habits. From eating late at night to getting angry over little things to my inability to let things go (that last one got me in trouble yesterday, and I’m feeling like a real jerk about it.)

Like most guys, marriage has cast a harsh light on my many failings. The ones that are hardest to overcome are the ones that are ingrained in habit. We resort to habitual actions without thinking. They are as close to us as instinct. And yet, when they are damaging to ourselves or others, the last thing we want is to let them dominate our behavior.

This article in the New York Times is an interesting look at what happens physiologically when we create new habits:

Brain researchers have discovered that when we consciously develop new habits, we create parallel synaptic paths, and even entirely new brain cells, that can jump our trains of thought onto new, innovative tracks.

Rather than dismissing ourselves as unchangeable creatures of habit, we can instead direct our own change by consciously developing new habits. In fact, the more new things we try — the more we step outside our comfort zone — the more inherently creative we become, both in the workplace and in our personal lives.

But don’t bother trying to kill off old habits; once those ruts of procedure are worn into the hippocampus, they’re there to stay. Instead, the new habits we deliberately ingrain into ourselves create parallel pathways that can bypass those old roads.

That last paragraph is the kicker. I want to bypass those old roads, and I want to start today. We all have our ruts, and the ones that I’m stuck in have kept me from improving for too long. I like the idea of moving forward to create new and better habits over and above trying to fix what’s broken. Looking backward seems to waste precious time on introspection that could be better spent.

This is proof of something my wife is always trying to remind her verbose husband of: “Actions speak louder than words.” In this case, actions are the only things that can create new, better habits. Actions that make us uncomfortable. Actions that challenge us.

I’ve been trying to take more of those on lately, and I’ve seen results. Reading this helps to confirm why. Something else I found important:

All of us work through problems in ways of which we’re unaware, she says. Researchers in the late 1960s discovered that humans are born with the capacity to approach challenges in four primary ways: analytically, procedurally, relationally (or collaboratively) and innovatively. At puberty, however, the brain shuts down half of that capacity, preserving only those modes of thought that have seemed most valuable during the first decade or so of life.

I really believe we spend a lot of our adult lives either living out or trying to overcome the lessons we learned in our childhood. The behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs our parents impressed upon us are cemented at a fairly young age. This means that as parents ourselves, we need to be acutely aware of the fact that our carelessness with negativity, criticism, or discouragement MUST be reigned in as soon as possible if we want our children to be well-prepared for a happy life. Otherwise, they will be spending a lot of time trying to unlearn the habits we teach them and re-learn new, better ones.

It’s a big responsibility that goes beyond our accountability for their souls. How they cope in this life is as big a part of what we do as parents as whether they make it safely to the next one.

I’m probably speaking to myself here, more than anyone. These are lessons for me. If you’re smart, you may have learned them already.

Filed under: Interesting Stuff