Yesterday afternoon, I was jonesing for a snack. Not just any snack, mind you - oh no! A chocolatey snack. One of my coworkers, sensing my need (or perhaps hearing me say, “Jeeze, I could really go for some chocolate!”) pulled something from her desk drawer. I know what you’re thinking, but no, it wasn’t a tazer, though that might not have been a bad idea considering that I was about to begin hunting for my fix, and women are known to keep chocolate amongst their personal belongings.

What she in fact pulled out was a package of Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis, of the Molten Chocolate Cake variety. I was intrigued by the picture of a big moist, fudgy, chocolatey bite of cake on a fork splayed provocatively across the front of the package like some nameless umbrella girl on the cover of Import Tuner.

Don’t know what an umbrella girl is? Never heard of Import Tuner? You’re probably better off, just like you’re probably better off not knowing which chocolate-filled circle of hell this Molten Chocolate “Cake” was spawned from.

I opened the package, and found three things shrink-wrapped together. One (1) plastic bowl. One (1) packet of “cake” mix. And one (1) packet of “fudge sauce”.

Looking at the meager ingredients was bad enough. But the instructions concerned me:

1. Empty cake mix into bowl. Stir in 1 tablespoon water plus 1 teaspoon water carefully until well mixed.

“Hmmm, such precision,” I thought. “Like my childhood chemistry set. Only I’m supposed to eat this.” I stirred until well mixed.

2. Squeeze fudge pouch 10 times (do not microwave). Cut off corner of pouch at cut line. Squeeze 4 to 6 lines of fudge over batter.

I don’t like the phrase “fudge pouch”. Not ever.

3. Microwave uncovered on High 30 seconds or until most of the surface looks dry. If necessary, microwave 10 seconds longer.

At this point, I looked down at my bowl. There was about half an inch of soupy mess in a 2-inch deep bowl. How was microwaving going to change any of this? When did microwaving ever solve anyone’s problems?

I put the bowl in. I punched in 40 seconds, because I really wanted most of the surface to look dry.

When I pulled the bowl out, what I had was something which, to paraphrase Douglas Adams, looked almost but not entirely unlike a Molten Chocolate Cake. It had expanded quite a lot. I poked at it a bit. Spongy, like a cake. The fudge was glistening under the harsh glare of the office fluorescents. It looked gooey, but in a good way.

As for the cake, most of the surface looked dry.

I grabbed a spoon and dug in, lifting a bite that looked nothing at all like what was on the cover of the package.

It wasn’t bad. That, in the end, may have been the scariest thing. With ingredients like “Cellulose powder” and “Distilled Monoglycerides”, I didn’t want to like it. And to be honest, I’d never go out out and buy it. But it cured my chocolate craving, and for that, I’m reluctantly grateful.

Filed under: Food, Funny