NFP - The Eighth Sacrament It Ain’t
The subject of Natural Family Planning comes up every now and then, and it seems there’s quite a lot of disagreement over it. At Inside Catholic, Simcha Fisher had an article on NFP yesterday that took a more insightful look at the topic than I’ve seen in a while. But there’s more, I think, that needs to be discussed.
So last night, I decided to write up a slightly different perspective. Since I already have a column up today at IC, and the editors are drowning in content for the site (a good thing), I’ve decided to put my thoughts here.
NFP is a tricky subject. Old school Catholics and providentialists want nothing to do with it. Dissenting Catholics want to know why we can’t just get with the program and use the kind of family planning you can buy in a drug store or a gas station bathroom. Catholic disciples of John Paul II’s Theology of the Body tend to treat it like it’s the eighth sacrament.
NFP is a word kind of like “ecumenism” — everybody’s heard it, but nobody seems to know what it really means. Is it the Rhythm Method? Periodic Continence as determined by Sympto-Thermal observations? Does it have something to do with (shudder) mucous? Does it or doesn’t it include the natural spacing accomplished through ecological breastfeeding? And perhaps most importantly, isn’t it just Catholic contraception?
This last opinion is one I fell into for a while. I couldn’t help but think that long-term use of NFP was like having your cake and eating it too. I struggled to understand why it was any different than using a barrier method.
Part of this, I’m sure, has to do with the fact that NFP promoters seem to have split personalities. On the one hand, they tell you that NFP, used correctly, is 99% effective - a far higher rate of effectiveness than a condom, which is only, as I understand it, about 80% effective. On the other hand, the pushers of NFP gush about how this virtually foolproof method is “open to life”, and that this is the chief distinguishing factor between charting and making use of the contents of a tinfoil packet. Now, I’ve never been any good at math, but my brain kept telling me that when playing the odds I was given, a condom was roughly 19% more “open to life” than NFP. I was baffled. Add to that the fact that nothing my wife and I learned about NFP was any use to us in trying to get pregnant. Everything about it seemed geared to the alternative, “postponing conception” — as if such a singular occurrence as a conception were not always and every time unique, and could simply be delayed.
And then, a long-suffering priest friend explained to me that the difference between artificial contraception and abstaining from the marital act during fertile times was that abstinence had no moral value in se; it was, in short, a non-act, as there could never be a moral obligation to engage in the conjugal act at any specific time.
Abstaining entirely from eating or drinking would be problematic because they would end life, just as abstaining entirely from consummating a marriage is problematic because it nullifies the sacrament. But because we are obligated to eat and drink does not mean that we are obligated to eat steak and drink gin, or that we are obligated not to fast. Quite to the contrary - I recommend a steady diet of steak and gin and the Church recommends fasting, despite my frequent groaning protests against it.
So it is with marital intimacy. We may partake as we choose (within the requirements of marital chastity) and we may also abstain as circumstances require.
Simcha Fisher is correct when she says that NFP “is the worst possible method, except for all the others.” It’s one thing to abstain because a spouse is tired, or ill, or is experiencing the infamous “headache”; it’s quite a different matter to abstain because the spouses have decided that they do not want to conceive a child. Catholicism, even moreso than the road to hell, is paved with good intentions, and if we fail to exercise the correct intentions as regards fecundity, we can easily fall into sin.
This is why the Church requires that couples have “just cause” or “serious reasons” for actively seeking to avoid conception.
But as NFP continues to be promoted among Catholics as the best thing since papal infallibility, the seriousness of the matter continues to elude many. We are forced to take NFP classes with our spouses-to-be if we wish to be married in a church, which is a bad idea on its face for putting young engaged couples in the position of thinking about sex with their beloved while they sweat through the lessons in the parish basement. I can’t speak for all couples, but thinking about sex with my fiancée was something I spent no small effort trying to avoid. Our frequent nervous joke after NFP classes was to ask whether or not we should go home and “practice”.
In addition, these vulnerable young virgins are told that NFP must be a matter of course, that employed with constancy it will benefit their marriage and teach them the joy of non-sexual intimacy. What is not mentioned is that after having a couple of children, there will be virtually no opportunity for anything but non-sexual intimacy, what with the tendency of small children to play chaperone by insinuating themselves through their various whiles, cries, and charms into the marital bed. Further, there is nothing less romantic than basal thermometers, plotting points on a graph, and (again, shudder) spot-testing mucosal viscosity.
With NFP, what was once the spontaneous, loving, and mysterious act of conjugal love takes on instead all the allure of a science experiment. And as with science, a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. People who know and practice the methods of NFP are far more likely to resort to it when funding gets a little tight than a couple which never bothers with all the fuss and muss and only dusts off the instruction manual when there is a serious need.
And serious need exists: health problems, mental illness, and severe financial distress are all examples that come to mind. (Coincidentally, they’re also all times when the likelihood of conception-inducing activity actually taking place is at the lowest.)
Not-so-good examples might include couples who practice NFP from day one of marriage because they want to wait to have kids until they’re done with grad school. (Hint: the primary good of marriage is still procreation, and if you’re not ready to have kids, you’re not ready to be married.) Or how about the wife who wants to put off having another tot because she’s just gotten back in shape from the last one, and she wants to savor her self-image? (This one is a temptation for both husbands and wives. That breast-feeding calorie-burn can make a young momma look pretty foxy!) Or what about the couple that’s saving for the down payment on that house they’ve had their eye on for so long?
The point is that as parents, we have made vows to welcome children into the world - souls for God who will be created to serve Him in this life and be happy with Him in heaven. In a contracepting culture, using NFP for some of the same reasons as our secular friends use the pill or promoting it as a way of life rather than a means within God’s design that we can employ when necessity demands can be a treacherous course. We Catholics, in all of our excitement over the new and long-overdue body of thought on sexual theology, need to temper our enthusiasm with prudence and a spirit of sacrifice. Trusting that God will provide when we cooperate in creating life as He commanded need not be blinded to the fact that there are times when we must take precautions. I believe, however, that when weighing our choices, the benefit of the doubt should be given to providence.
Besides - with a culture constantly talking about, thinking about, and showing us sex, wouldn’t it be nice to restore a little bit of its mystery?
Filed under: Catholicism, Family
Well put, I think.
FYI, I found NFP to be quite helpful when it came to conception (using it to identify the most likely times, instead of the least likely times).
I also disagree with the idea that if you’re not ready to have kids, you’re not ready to get married. Is that not a bit stricter than the marriage vow puts it?
You make excellent points. Especially about couples who practice NFP and have two or three children. My husband, who won’t practice NFP, gets miffed at our NFP friends, because we’ve had 5 children in 10 years of marriage, while they’ve kept the number down to two or 3. He says he’s the more faithful Catholic.
I see both sides of the argument, and wish we would practice NFP AND have lots of kids.
Here’s to number six!
I also disagree with the idea that if you’re not ready to have kids, you’re not ready to get married.
Joe, if the primary good of marriage is children (the secondary being unity of spouses, which is still important but lower in priority) how are you ready to be married but not to have kids?
I say havem young! I could see Joe’s point say for a 22 something still finishing some education, delaying with NFP for one or two years - but I still say havem young…
Since Simcha’s article is dominated by the “Yay! Me Too!” crowd, I will post my thoughts here.
First off, before I get flamed, artificial contraception should not be used under any circumstances.
Now, I lament the fact that NFP is treated like an 8th Sacrament, or that one’s orthodoxy is judged according the one’s use of NFP. When “good” Catholics discover that we do not use NFP, we get the deer-in-headlights stare as the jaw whacks the floor. We might as well have told them that we eat fried kittens for lunch on Tuesdays.
However, I would like to explore the actual feelings and thoughts of MEN in relation to NFP.
The men with whom I have spoken about NFP actually pay lip-service to the “intimacy” that NFP provides. In actuality, peak fertility time is fightin’ time. I have been through several NFP classes in order to learn about the different methods, and so am very familiar with the ins-and-outs of NFP procedures, charting, and intimacy brainwashing. So please, don’t fire off the “You don’t get it” argument. I have an incredible physically and emotionally intimate relationship with my wife. And NFP had nothing to do with it.
In general, NFP is degrading to men. Now, there may be some dude out there that actually does notice the increased intimacy from practicing NFP and discussing the issues calmly and unbiased during the time of peak fertility. However, those men are the minority.
The rest of us feel belittled and insignificant when The Chart is used as a weapon. As a married person, I have a right to the marriage act, just as I have a duty/debt to perform the marriage act with my spouse. The Church, in Her Wisdom, has coupled both of those terms to marital relations. It is the marriage right and the marriage debt, and both imply a certail level of justice to the marriage.
I do not disregard the “just cause” as detailed by Steve above. However, I am going to talk past it.
NFP has done less for marriage relationships than its proponents think. NFP has turned men into beggars and liars and denied them of the right which they possess by the very nature of the Sacrament of Matrimony. NFP has broken down the levels of intimacy between the spouses by becoming a subject of monthly contention and building a wall to block communication between the spouses.
NFP also places sex in a strained context. Rather than the sexual act being an experience of profound unity, the mere topic of sex becomes a source of division amongst the spouses.
Enough for now. If you want to get your marriage back, burn The Chart and work on building true unity and intimacy in your relationship. (”just causes” excluded, of course).
[...] Jump to Comments I posted this over at Steve’s, but I thought it would be a good post on it’s [...]
Well, it depends on what you mean by “not ready”. If you’re talking prudence, then fine.
However, people do have a right to the Sacrament if there is no impediment. And the only way that I see for NFP to be an impediment to marriage, is an agreement between the parties before the marriage not even to ASK during the fertile times (see Pius XII, Allocution to Midwives). Ergo, you can get married while having a serious reason to delay childbearing.
Steve,
In light of the argument I jumped into on the last post, I have to say that I agree with you 100%.
Although, the people that taught you the NFP stuff must stink… it was emphasized at my pre-cana that NFP can be used to conceive if you’re having problems. You identify your wife’s fertile periods and, well, you know…
Aaron - not only was the emphasis not there, but we found that in practice using NFP for conception didn’t work. It was too necessary to be able to predict ovulation, which sympto-thermal only pinpoints after the fact.
If you have a clockwork cycle, that’s one thing. If your cycles vary by a few days, then it’s a whole different ball game. We couldn’t get pregnant for two years, and no amount of charting helped.
Then we stopped, and now it’s like we can’t stop having kids. It’s weird.
Ergo, you can get married while having a serious reason to delay childbearing.
But why would you want to? I ask this as a recently married man who just a month ago discovered his wife is with child. I just don’t get it.
I agree fully with what James stated regarding the justice due to the marriage debt. If there are grave reasons to delay childbirth, by all means do so using the licit methods. But purposefully entering into a marriage that would require said action… that’s simply ridiculous. If you can’t afford to have children for 3 years, why not delay marriage for three years?
I agree with you that NFP is not the panacea it’s touted as. I’ve had a terrible time with NFP just in terms of figuring out when in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks I’m fertile, because I have weird cycles due to PCOS. I’ve had two surprise pregnancies. I also don’t think NFP classes should be required of engaged couples. The only requirement should be that married couples not use contraception. Some people feel called not to use anything at all. They can always take NFP later in their marriage if they feel it’s necessary.
I have to disagree with you that finishing grad school is not a serious reason to avoid pregnancy. My husband was in grad school for two years, during which both of us worked full-time. We also already had one child. Having another while he was still in school would have been extremely stressful and detrimental to the marriage and our whole family. We successfully used NFP while he was in grad school to avoid pregnancy. Fortunately the second surprise pregnancy didn’t happen until he was done with school and we were thinking about having another one anyway. (So NFP has worked moderately well with me, just nowhere near 98% effective.) “Serious reasons” to avoid pregnancy must be discerned by the couple and will be different for every couple.
If you can’t afford to have children for 3 years, why not delay marriage for three years?
What if you’ve already been dating for 3 years? Doesn’t the Church encourage people not to wait too long to get married, because of the temptation to be unchaste and such? The problem is it’s very hard for young people to start families these days, especially on one income. I’m not sure what the answer is.
I just wanted to comment on what James had to say on NFP. I almost completely agree with him, and feel that NFP must only be used in serious situations. I think the key factor that many forget is that the woman is not the only one who determines a serious situation and in the Christian Marriage class that I took in an orthodox Catholic college, we were taught in no uncertain terms, that BOTH parties must feel the same way. Therefore if the man is in complete agreement with the wife that NFP is a necessity for a certain period of time than he should not feel abused or degraded when her time of fertility arrives. Hopefully the wife will also be suffering during those times with having to give up this unitive and loving act(which is why it can be sacrificial). In my marriage during the brief times that my husband and I have BOTH determined we had a serious need to use NFP we felt it was very sacrificial. We did not enjoy it and were happy when our serious situation was gone. (Or near enough to gone). If we had both determined a serious reason and my husband still approached me during my fertile time and felt angry, or abused by my response, I would have to ask him if he felt that our serious situation had passed. If he said yes, (and not just out of momentary desire) than I would HAVE to respect that and stop NFP. This is what we were taught. And when prayerfully done only in serious situations, I think only the sacrificial nature of it is what improves marriage. Not using it after every kid……….just because you have other kids.
I noticed that in a number of comments and in your post itself, Steve, that the definitions of “grave reasons” were made based on the couple’s own prism of experiences and circumstances. Even the Church, in her wisdom, does not specifically define grave reasons for the simple fact that all couples are different — different circumstances, different temperaments, different seasons of relationships, etc.
While I agree that NFP can be abused if it is used for selfish reasons, each couple is given the freedom to faithfully discern grave reasons for using NFP. It’s important to consider the whole person, not just the reason itself. For example, a couple should consider the emotional state of each other just as much as they consider their physical health or finances.
Making generalized statements about how this or that is not a grave enough reason or how the marital act is a spouse’s right is not constructive to the discussion. While those statements may be true in some or all cases, they serve only to alienate those couples who have a misunderstanding about NFP, and judge those couples who have faithfully, prayerfully discerned grave reasons for themselves.
I’m not promoting a liberal use of NFP, but I found your post, Steve, and some of the comments to be situational in that your opinions would not apply to all couples, which is why we should not say that which the Church herself does not even say.
Maureen said:
we were taught in no uncertain terms, that BOTH parties must feel the same way.
This fits in perfectly with what Catholic marriage enrichment programs state. In times of decision making (as a couple), then the answer should be a “couple yes”. If one of the spouses does not agree, then the decision falls in their favor.
This is especially true when dealing with something that is the very essence of the Marriage Sacrament.
As an NFP teacher, I hesitate to even jump into this conversation. I, and my NFP pom-poms will probably be burned at the stake.
I just want to ask James a question: how does a woman and her needs fit into the state of NFP as you see it? Perhaps I am misinterpreting your statements, but it seems like NFP is only about men: your needs, your rights, what you can and can’t get out of the sexual relationship with your wives. So I’m wondering, since you seem to have spoken to a lot of people about NFP, how do women deal with NFP? Do women struggle with feeling deprived of their marital right or have feelings of resentment regarding abstinence? Or do you see that as solely the man’s burden?
And I’m trying to understand why NFP is nothing but a source of punishment for YOU, one that turns YOU into a beggar and every conversation about sex into a fight. Do you not know how to read a chart, or does your wife hide it from you so you live in perpetual ignorance, only gleaming what little information your wife screams at you while you are fighting, once again, during the fertile time? If this is the state of your marriage, you are assured of my prayers. My chart is in my side table drawer where my husband is fully capable of reading & interpreting it on his own, therefore there is no need for questions or begging. He can see for himself if we are in the fertile or infertile time of the cycle.
As someone who works with NFP couples frequently, I suppose that some of them may be hiding these feelings of resentment and frustration back, but the majority of couples I have taught have been very happy with the method and have given referrals to friends and family. If NFP is such a horrible punishment that degrades men, why would they tell their friends and family about it? Is it always rainbows and flowers? Geez, no. But the opinions offered here are certainly in the minority from other couples I have spoken with about NFP.
As far as teaching/mandating NFP to engaged couples, there are a few things to consider. The first is that yes, in a perfect world, all couples getting married would be immediately open to life and the use of any family planning would be infrequent. But the truth is that most couples going through engaged encounter, pre-cana, etc are not only having sex, but they are already contracepting. If we can at least get them to be chaste before marriage and then use NFP when needed, wow - we have taken a huge step forward! Most of them have no idea what NFP is or that it’s any different from rhythm. Engaged encounter is one place where we can make a real difference in the lives of these couples. Get their relationship out of the sin of contraception and turn their minds towards respecting each other and their fertility.
Then, let’s understand too that the exact wrong time to learn NFP is when you have a life or death reason to use it. No couple should go through the burden of learning the method when a pregnancy would risk the life of the mother or of a conceived child. So the reason to teach it to engaged couples is so that hopefully they can learn it and practice it before marriage, so they are confident of how to use it once their marriage begins, and then they will have knowledge of the method and experience should they come into a time where they truly have a grave reason to postpone.
Since I am not God, I am not going to sit and judge couples of whether or not they should be getting married if they are going to use NFP for a time to get themselves situated financially or as a couple before bringing a child into the family. My husband & I were married straight out of college and used NFP for 2 years so that we could establish our financial stability and ourselves as a married couple before opening ourselves fully to a child. Sure, we could have lived separately, paid for two moves, two apartments, double the living expenses on a teacher’s salary, and still had no money saved for the future instead of marrying when we did. But I don’t think that our short time in using NFP to postpone was unreasonable.
Here’s an article by Thomas Storck about the conditions under which NFP can be used. At the heart of it is the translation of the word”iustae”:
http://www.ignatius.com/Magazines/HPRweb/storck.htm
JM,
Thank you for your charitable reply.
Please re-read what I actually said:
As a married person, I have a right to the marriage act, just as I have a duty/debt to perform the marriage act with my spouse. The Church, in Her Wisdom, has coupled both of those terms to marital relations. It is the marriage right and the marriage debt, and both imply a certain level of justice to the marriage.
These words could just as easily have been written by a woman. And as Maureen stated above (and to which I gave explicit approval) the use of NFP and the fulfilling of the marriage debt is a couple decision.
I chose to speak from a man’s perspective. And from a man’s perspective what I have written is very apropos. When my wife and I were using NFP, I was the one that did her charting. I was very aware of her cycles, the signs, and peak fertility.
Of course, we were the exception. For the most part, women do their own charting (as you stated you do for yourself).
Generally, men are the ones to initiate sexual relations. And so, the time of the month when a woman is most attractive to a man, and a man is most attractive to a woman, is the time that the woman pulls the chart from her night stand drawer and says “Not tonight, honey”. The woman is denying her husband the marriage right and failing to fulfill the marriage debt.
However, let’s say that the man is just tired of having kids in the house and can’t stand the thought of having another. And yet, mom would like to have one more because she cannot stand the thought of growing old and regretting that she did not have more children. And so, the time of the month when a woman is most attractive to a man, and a man is most attractive to a woman, is the time that the man pulls the chart from her night stand drawer and says “Not tonight, honey”. The man is denying his wife the marriage right and failing to fulfill the marriage debt.
In either scenario, one of the spouses is begging for the marriage right. When denied, then the same spouse is actually lying to the other by saying that it is okay and that he/she is glad they are doing NFP (so as to avoid conflict, rather than risk sharing the real feeling). No one really likes to fight (except maybe Steve and his wife
)
JM asked:
Do women struggle with feeling deprived of their marital right or have feelings of resentment regarding abstinence?
Yes they do, but only the ones who actually like having sex. I have heard a woman actually say - in specific regard to NFP, “I feel sorry for women who do not have an excuse to say ‘No’”
Like I said in my original comment, NFP has been used as a weapon for getting out of having to make love to the spouse.
JM said:
Then, let’s understand too that the exact wrong time to learn NFP is when you have a life or death reason to use it.
Once again, I disagree. In a life or death situation, NFP is the wrong tool to use. Total abstinence during grave situations is the only way to go. Especially in the case of a fatal consequence (like a blood clotting disorder, or high-risk pregnancies), I for one am not willing to take even the 2% chance and risk the life of my wife.
And teaching the young couples to use NFP as a gateway drug out of artificial contraception is doing very little for them. NFP then becomes the “Church Approved” way to avoid a pregnancy. The contraceptive mentality still exists. We are still denying ourselves the possibility of being pro-Creators with the Triune God. By intending to avoid a pregnancy for an indefinite amount of time by means of NFP, we are still contracepting.
JM,
As for couples recommending the NFP class to other couples, my money says that it is actually the woman doing the recommending. The men are just going along because they are expected to go along. The orthodox Catholic peer pressure is not a force to be reckoned with. All of the good Catholic couples are using NFP; so if we want to be a good Catholic couple, then we should use NFP.
The problem is that very few men are man enough to say out loud that they do not want The Chart to dictate when they can or cannot make love to their wives. These men will pay lip service (even publicly) to what is expected of them, even though they might not fully agree.
Example: the number of people voting for John McCain based on the Republican Principle, not because they actually agree with any of his positions on abortion, foreign policy, and deficit spending.
James,
NFP is not supposed to be used “for an indefinite period.” The point (well, one of the points) is that it should be a month-to-month discernment by the couple. Of course it can be used with a “contraceptive mentality,” but it is also the case that “we are just letting God do whatever He wants and not using NFP” can be used to disguise a mentality of “I want sex whenever I want it, regardless of whether we should have a child right now.” Not that this is necessarily your mentality, but I am just saying that both ideas can go the wrong way, but that doesn’t invalidate the correct understanding. But it isn’t “The Chart dictating” when a couple can have relations, it is the couple’s prayerful discernment about their entire married and family life. If either spouse is manipulating and lying, the problem is not with NFP, the problem is in the relationship itself. I just took a class on JPII’s “Love and Responsibility” and that book is SO good about explaining in detail what the marriage relationship should be. He doesn’t say that everyone should always use NFP, he just really and practically shows what a marriage relationship should look like whether it includes NFP or not.
I know CCL has started to make Theology of the Body part of the NFP course; that understanding should help people grasp the fundamental difference between NFP and contraception.
Also, one more thought even though this is too long already. :-) There seems to be so much negativity about knowing/hearing about the woman’s fertile signs. May I suggest that the guys try to see this with a bit more wonder and awe? Science doesn’t have to make things cold; it can make things all the more amazing when you know how “fearfully and wonderfully” we are made. I know “wonder and awe” seems a bit strong a term to apply to mucous and such, but it seems it could be quite hurtful to a wife if her husband regarded something so fundamental to her as her fertility as just kinda icky…
it seems it could be quite hurtful to a wife if her husband regarded something so fundamental to her as her fertility as just kinda icky…
Um, my wife thinks it’s icky too. (We also don’t celebrate how “fearfully and wonderfully made” our boogers are. Mucous in general isn’t something we’re big fans of.)
I will be off the grid for most of the weekend due to extended family commitments. So please do not interpret my absence as any kind of rebuff.
Anna,
You are quite correct, NFP is not supposed to be used for indefinite period. But what about the NFP Lifestyle so heavily promoted in NFP circles? Are we, Americans living in a 1st world nation, so surrounded by marital grave/just situations that we need to heavily regulate the number of children we produce within Christian marriage? Whether we like it or not, the vast majority of couples that are using NFP are using it to avoid pregnancy for an extended period of time - without prayerful discernment.
it is also the case that “we are just letting God do whatever He wants and not using NFP” can be used to disguise a mentality of “I want sex whenever I want it, regardless of whether we should have a child right now.
Wow, imagine that. Letting God do whatever He wants. What a wonderful world this would be if we did not presume to interfere with God’s designs. Isn’t this what we should want for every minute of our lives?
As for sexual relations within the context of marriage, please see my exposition of the marriage right and marriage debt above. This is the mind of the Church.
I fail to see how cooperating with the procreative power of God within the context of Christian marriage can be anything but a blessing.
But it isn’t “The Chart dictating” when a couple can have relations, it is the couple’s prayerful discernment about their entire married and family life.
No, really, it is. The cult of NFP has so embedded it’s methods into the minds of “Good Catholics” that The Chart has its own persona. The line about prayerful discernment is more along the lines of the NFP brainwashing that is rampant in the Church today.
To a certain degree, I am coming off as a 1st class a-hole. But I am speaking for the muffled masses of men out there who are too chicken to say it for themselves. NFP stinks. It is unbefitting of the dignity of the human person to have to restrict the marriage right within the context of marriage.
Sex within the context of marriage is a beautiful thing. By its very nature, it increases the unity and intimacy of the couple. Why restrict this incredibly profound act only to times when God cannot create through us?
During times of just cause or grave matter, I am willing to do anything to avoid a pregnancy (including NFP). I just know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the majority of couples do not have a just cause. So this defense of NFP outside of such parameters is really confusing to me. The “just-in-case” excuse does not cut it for me.
I just took a class on JPII’s “Love and Responsibility” and that book is SO good about explaining in detail what the marriage relationship should be.
Anna,
Please explain in detail the concept of Responsible Parenthood according to the mind of JPII. I have heard this term bandied about out several occasions, but do not have any concrete knowledge of what the Holy Father meant my said term.
Thanks.
Steve,
Next buzz word (in a new thread): Theology of the Body.
I just know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the majority of couples do not have a just cause.
*************
James, I find this incredibly presumptuous of you to say.
Cassandra,
Is it really more presumptuous than assuming that all couples DO have a just cause?
The specific conditions for just cause are not defined because of reasons of obvious subjectivity. However, the Church always (prior to JPII) advocated that Catholics err on the side of caution, that is to say, on the side of fecundity and faith.
When the generally accepted norm is now to encourage all couples to practice the methods NFP at all times in the event that they may, in fact, need to avoid conception for a time, is it really so presumptuous to assume that there is a large number of people using it incorrectly - particularly when NFP is being advocated to transition cohabitating, contracepting Catholics into non-contraceptive behavior?
It strikes me that charting and all the rest of it in perpetuity in CASE the rare grave circumstance comes up where avoiding conception is needed is like walking around the house with a loaded gun in CASE there’s a break-in.
Of course, break ins are rare, but so are the sort of circumstances that demand, in justice, that couples avoid conception. And like walking around with a loaded gun, there is always a danger when holding your finger over the NFP trigger that you will use it when you really aren’t supposed to.
Steve, I think it is. Without really knowing what’s going on in another person’s marriage, I think charity demands that you presume they are using NFP with a just cause. I really think Simcha said it best in her response to some of the comments about her article:
One thing I’ve learned from using NFP is that it’s always a bad idea to decide whether some other couple has a good enough reason to use it.
They may have a problem which is not obvious to you, which they don’t want to talk about. Or they may have a reason which wouldn’t be a big deal to you, but it’s a big deal to them. There’s a reason the Church hasn’t come out with a list of what’s a good enough reason, and what’s not!
Please, do what you think is right in your marriage, and leave the sorting to God. You’re not doing your own soul any favors by sneering at people whose marriages are different from yours. And there are many, many differernt kinds of good marriages.
Also, I didn’t realize that the “accepted norm is now to encourage all couples to practice the methods NFP at all times in the event that they may, in fact, need to avoid conception for a time.” In the NFP class I took, this was not the way it was presented. In the materials I’ve read regarding NFP, this is not the impression I’ve had either. Perhaps your experience has been different.
Cassandra,
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not heaping culpability on anyone. My problem is the general lack of good formation. I take issue with the NFP push, the way EVERYONE is required to take it and is told how great it is and how they simply SHOULD use it because JPII said so.
There’s virtually no way most couples who got anything approaching the NFP instruction I’ve had (and I’m not just talking pre-cana; I’ve got college level courses in Christian sexuality under my belt) could ever really discern with certainty what a serious reason might be.
There’s a lack of teaching on this. In a way, it ties into the whole “just wage” discussion we’re having as well. What defines a just wage? What is the minimum standard of living the Church has in mind when promulgating social teaching on the issue? What do we truly need and what don’t we? NFP, as often as it ties into financial considerations, has its proper discernment closely linked to those answers.
It is my purpose with this discussion to evaluate the program of NFP as it is promoted, not the individual use of NFP by couples and their personal culpability in discernment. But that’s why generalized statements shouldn’t offend (unless people feel that those statements apply to them.) Whenever everyone is told to do something like this, and is even told how great it is for their marriage and how essential it is to their spousal love, do you honestly think we won’t have a wide margin of error on being overzealous about the application of this method?
It is the accepted norm to encourage all couples to practice the methods of NFP at all times; this is born out in the notion that you must begin charting even before marriage and continue to do so indefinitely so that if a need arises, you don’t have to learn it then.
This is nonsense, however. James is right when he says that in cases of gave danger, total abstinence is the only safe method. And in any case when a couple has to decide to use NFP, they can practice abstinence until they get caught up on their charting. I am certain that going without sex for a couple of months would be a great guarantor of truly serious reasons. Who would endure such a thing for a less-than-grave reason?
Alright, looking at the CCC:
2370 Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self-observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom.
Since the claim is that NFP is degrading to men, then where is the error? If NFP is degrading to men, then what method of periodic continence will “respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom”? Or is the quoted passage wrong?
Steve–thanks for putting this up. The conversation here was much more what I was hoping to read on the InsideCatholic article.
I just can’t see how the average Catholic in the US can claim to have “serious cause” to ”need” NFP. Sure, there are valid reasons and times, but it isn’t a lifestyle.
Too many people want to control their family: don’t have kids until we can afford to save for their schooling/college; it costs $500,000 per child to raise them “right”; “we just don’t have room right now for another child”; “I’m too old for that”; “my career will suffer”; “my parents think I’m nuts to want more kids”; “there are so many things I want to do with my life besides be a parent”; and more.
God gives us what we need, when we need it. My third child is in college now, my youngest will turn 2 next week. We’ve homeschooled for 16 years already, and only have another 16 to go. Yes, I’ll be retired by the time I’m finished raising my kids.
Are there other things I’d like to do? Sure. Am I likely to do them? Probably not. Is there a single child I would trade for the opportunity? Nope.
Just as you love each child (and were convinced you couldn’t love another as much), knowing that you will feel that way about the next becomes exciting after a few. Wow, another great kid coming? Woo!
Sorry to ramble, but I hate to see families short-change themselves.
There’s virtually no way most couples who got anything approaching the NFP instruction I’ve had (and I’m not just talking pre-cana; I’ve got college level courses in Christian sexuality under my belt) could ever really discern with certainty what a serious reason might be.
*****************
The only couples I know who actually use NFP are those who attended orthodox Catholic colleges such as Thomas Aquinas College, Christendom, University of Dallas, and Stuebenville (levels of orthodoxy among these are up for debate). These people are well versed in their faith and teachings on Catholic sexuality. Therefore, I can only presume the best in their decision to use NFP.
I appreciate that you are trying to keep the focus the subject at hand. I simply found James’ statement to be unhelpful in these sorts of discussions because they tend to be inflammatory. See, it got me off track!
I have been reading the discussion here and don’t think that all “methods” (I cringe to call them that, but for lack of a better word) can be lumped together when speaking of NFP. When my husband and I were preparing to be married in 1999 we took a CCL taught class in the sympto-thermal method which I believe was taught with a large slant towards how to use it to achieve pregnancy and remember only a part of one class devoted to “in the event that you may have a grave reason to postone pregnancy, you want to look at this and that, but in this event we recommend a short period of total abstinence.” The class was taught by a couple who had as I remember seven children and one who was nursing in the baby sling throughout the class. Something about the way they taught that one particular class just left me with the feeling, wow, grave reason really means grave reason. I’m not really sure if it was what they said, how they said it, or the example they gave but it made quite the impact that using NFP to postpone a pregnancy was not a decision that was to be taken lightly or made easily and without great sorrow that you were not able to welcome another life into your family. In fact, that has always been a test of sorts I use with myself month after month. When the time comes that I realize we are not pregnant this month, am I truly sorrowful that I am not. If the answer is not “yes,” then something needs to be looked at in my heart and possibly in our marriage to change that. Anyway, after our first was born, about 11 months after we were married, we took a free refresher course and met with the same type of couple and same type of info as offered in the first class. It seems shortly after this though I started to see a shift in information that we read coming from this camp that shifted greatly from stories about family life and welcoming another child to “thank you so much for teaching this because it helped us to _______ and ________ and _______ before we were burdened/blessed with children.” In recent years though I have also studied Creighton and I have never experienced this type of attitude from the medical professionals I have encountered. The Creighton model is highly effective in helping women diagnose health problems and therefore helping them conceive and have healthier pregnancies. Maybe since it is less used and less recommended it hasn’t garnered the cheerleaders of the sympto-thermal yet. I don’t know. My husband and I are a mentor couple for our parish. Do we share the information about local teachers of the sympto-thermal method and Creighton? Yes we do. But, we share it at the end of a discussion on Humane Vitae and how I have suffered with postpartum psychosis that has almost landed me in the hospital after each of our children. We talk to them of the joys of having a family and encourage them not to put it off for some undetermined time until they feel “they are ready, ” because as we have seen in other couples, that time usually keeps having more and more things heaped upon it and postponed indefinitely. We also speak to them about the very few cycles that we have used any sort of charting, whether that be st or creighton. What I would like to see across the board for marriage prep is a more in depth class on sexuality, the dignity of the human person and magisterial documents with information given about the different programs. I think that if the knowledge is given in its true form that the grace is given to allow people to accept the true teaching. Well, now that my comment was eighty pages and didn’t address much of the conversation going on, I guess I should go.
Steve,
The “responsible parenthood” thing seems a bit hard to put in a nutshell, but I’ll try from my notes… :-) First, for those who happen to be interested, the original phrase is “conscia paternitas” which Janet Smith translated more as “conscious parenthood” than as “responsible parenthood.” Seems to me that already helps people take it out of the realm of Planned Parenthood’s stolen terminology of being “responsible”…but I digress. Anyway, there are 3 parts to conscious parenthood. They are the knowledge that:
1. you are “entering the cosmic stream of existence.” In other words, you are participating in the universal scheme of things and reproducing the species which has implications far beyond you as an individual.
2.you are “co-creating with God” and giving the means for the existence of a new soul. For those who aren’t sure (as this came up in another blog recently), we don’t believe that humans help create the soul, but that the soul does need the body in order to come into existence and the parents are the creators of the body. What an amazing power!
3. you become a parent (L&R talks a lot about how the consciousness of this possibility is needed to really understand the self-gift of the marital act.) and “bestow” parenthood on another. A major “vote of confidence” for one’s spouse!
As to the rest of the discussion on the common use of NFP as a whole: we have primarily used NFP (except for a couple of months for medical reasons and such) to try to conceive as we have dealt with infertility most of our marriage. We actually could probably use the “fertile” time even when we don’t want to conceive without too much worry, but that seems like cheating. :-) Anyway, while a lot of the “selling” of NFP is done on the basis of its ability to avoid pregnancy, it is also a helpful tool for diagnosing things like endometriosis or even ectopic pregnancy. And in these days of induction-happy OBs, it’s nice to have that little chart handy to insist that you do really know your due date and you’d rather not be induced, thank you very much. I’m also fond of not being caught by surprise when a new cycle starts; even with irregular cycles, that second half is about the same for each woman. NFP really is just an observation tool which can be used in a lot of different ways. I have no problem with people who don’t need it to achieve or avoid not bothering with it if they don’t want to. No one has to use NFP if it works for them not to use anything - and that is what works for some families. I agree that the catechesis overall should be better, but around here, I would just be happy if that instruction were required for all couples rather than the current practice of “let’s not alienate all these couples by telling them not to cohabit, contracept, use IVF when they finally want a baby, and then get snipped when they are done.” Odd that a diocese that has the Pope Paul VI Institute right here would be so willing to overlook that resource completely…
Two other brief comments: one, I know it was rather hyperbolic to say mucous is “fearful and wonderful,” although I think our culture could do with a bit less squeamishness about the body. I know people who don’t want to learn NFP because they think it’s gross and would rather just pop a nice sterile pill. I just think it gets perilous to start thinking of the body and its functions as yucky instead of as an amazing and impressive system designed by God and reflecting His Truth. Then we end up with the current idea of fertility as a disease, not as a gift.
The other comment is: James, I don’t think it’s conducive to real discussion to use sarcasm (e.g. “Wow, imagine that. Letting God do what He wants.”) instead of addressing the point I was making. Providentialism can be an excuse for selfishness. Also, when “prayerful discernment” is taken as “NFP brainwashing,” that seems more anger-driven than a thoughtful response. Those of us who disagree with some of your points are trying to answer your concerns and give our views with respect. Cut us the same slack, okay?
Oops, on conscious parenthood, I forgot to say (can you believe I left anything out of such a long post??) that those are the three (obviously very general) factors that then go into the question “should we become parents (again) at this time?”, i.e. if we are going to undertake such an endeavor, are we capable of doing so right now and do we appreciate what a gift God is giving us through this? Or do we know, using God’s gift of reason, that that would not be in keeping with the virtue of prudence, or even with the virtue of charity as it applies to myself, my spouse, or my children?
Then we stopped, and now it’s like we can’t stop having kids. It’s weird.
Well, then God bless you! Sometimes He likes when we surrender a little control…
“I want sex whenever I want it, regardless of whether we should have a child right now.”
Worked great for the first 1900 years of the Church’s existance…
Seriously, the primary aim of marriage is the procreation of children. That means the primary aim of sex is the procreation of children. Ergo, if the ordinary expected consequence of marital relations, should that not only be suspended when extraordinary circumstances present themselves?
Childbearing is a normal function of marriage. It shouldn’t be something we should constantly ask God about. Should I, on a month-to-month basis discern God’s will about whether or not I should be working?
I agree that we must not make judgments about specific people in specific conditions, when their intentions are not yet known to us. But here, people are making general statements. If a couple uses NFP to prevent pregnancy when there are no grave reasons, it is clearly under a contraceptive intent that it is used.
Um, my wife thinks it’s icky too. (We also don’t celebrate how “fearfully and wonderfully made” our boogers are. Mucous in general isn’t something we’re big fans of.)
Seriously… I don’t understand the obsession with the beauty of mucous among conservative Catholics these days.
Man… I used to think I was the only one who felt this way, until I started going to a parish that celebrates the Extraordinary Form… 7+ kids seems to be the norm there.
“I think our culture could do with a bit less squeamishness about the body.”
I think our culture could do with a bit more! I see more mostly naked people on a regular basis that are not my wife than I care for. Our culture could use a bit MORE shame.
Aaron,
“I want sex whenever I want it, regardless” is simply selfishness, not a loving self-gift to one’s spouse. The subject of those “first 1900 years” (as well as all the preceding centuries) came up during my class. It was pointed out that people have always had some understanding of natural infertility, such as that that usually comes with breastfeeding - and extended breastfeeding was the norm for centuries. Even the ancient Jews had some understanding of how the fertile and non-fertile times worked, since the religious purification of women after menstruation and subsequent resumption of relations was right on target with the “rhythm method” and timed to produce as many children as possible (that being the goal at all times then, hence all the mistresses and such).
Also part of the class was a discussion about the primary ends of marriage. There were two parts to this. One part was distingushing the various orders. In the order of nature, procreation, continuation of the species, is indeed the primary purpose. In the order of persons, the primary aim is love of persons. In the supernatural order, the primary aim is to be a sign of the sacramental reality, imaging Trinitarian love. These three orders can’t be separated or played against each other; all are necessary. But the varying orders are why a marriage past one’s childbearing years is still an equally valid marriage as one that has many fertile years and uses them. Secondly, JPII has a great exposition on the ends of marriage (and the problems with bad translations of them) on pp. 67-68 of Love and Responsibility. Basically his summary is that “These aims can, moreover, only be realized in practice as a single complex aim.” Attempts to separate them and claim “higher importance” for one aspect or another is rather like the debate one sometimes gets into with Protestants who object to crucifixes: is the Passion and Death of Christ more important than the Resurrection and Ascension? Well, really there’s no point in debating it as it was all one action summed up in the phrase “Paschal Mystery.” Same kind of idea with the ends of marriage.
All JPII meant with the discernment thing is that God gave us reason and free will and we are expected to use them. That doesn’t necessarily mean “use them by limiting or planning births,” but it does require that we recognize the real depth of what we are doing as co-creators with God. All reproduction, animal, vegetable, or human, has the same purpose of continuing the species, but we are the only ones capable of recognizing the beauty and gravity of what we are doing.
Aaron,
Shame, yes. Squeamishness, no. The second is the old Manichean idea that the body is bad - and if that is the case, then it doesn’t matter what is done with it. Hence all the shamelessness we see these days.
I am following the comments as I can, but family & church commitments are limiting my computer time. It is hard for me to read these comments because I know so many couples for whom NFP has been a good part of their lives. They are thankful to have NFP
I am following the comments as I can, but family & church commitments are limiting my computer time.
Here is what I am having a tough time understanding: What exactly do you want? Do you want every couple to toss their charts? Do you want NFP teachers to scare their students with stories of long periods of abstinence and sexual frustration? What is it that you want? If it’s just a place to vent, that I can understand. Don’t think for a minute I can’t relate to frustration. My husband and I had a chaste engagement, got married, I had one normal cycle, and then didn’t ovulate again for 7 months, during which time we abstained nearly 100% of the time. Was I frustrated? You betcha. But it wasn’t the fault of NFP that I was frustrated. I was frustrated with my body and the poor state of my health.
But if this isn’t just about letting off some steam, then what changes do you want to see in NFP instruction and policy? I sense in some of the complaints here and on Simcha’s blog that Catholic couples want what contracepting couples want - unlimited sex with no effort to avoid pregnancy. NFP is never going to be a piece of cake. And it may not seem fair to not get to to have sex anytime and anywhere, but c’mon - who gets that? Single persons don’t, married persons who have had an injury or illness don’t, postpartum mothers, couples where one spouse is deployed or working away from home. Who has it perfect?
We all have our own circumstances that make our sex lives complicated in one way or the other. One spouse has a greater sex drive, one spouse is battling depression, one spouse is suffering from impotence, or sometimes there is trouble in the marriage that prevents us from wanting to come together.
All this discussion about NFP users, whether or not they have just cause, etc - let it go! Isn’t it bad enough that maybe 2% of Catholics only use NFP, now we have to put them up for public scrutiny as well, and we get to judge whether or not these couples have just cause to use NFP? You don’t know what happens in a couple’s home behind closed doors. Can’t we just be happy that those couples are not guilty of the sin of contraception and support their struggles without making them feel bad when they have need to postpone?
As Catholics, we have a special connection not only in Jesus’ sufferings, but in the suffering of our fellow brothers and sisters. May I offer one final thought on what to do when it becomes difficult to use NFP? Every time you find NFP to be a burden on you, please offer up those struggles not only for yourself and your marriage, but for our priests & religious who struggle in their own way with chastity; offer your struggles for couples suffering from infertility who have a burden completely opposite, but equally challenging: to keep a sex life fresh when sex is demanded according to the chart in order to conceive; offer your struggles for those who have lost their spouse. Then count your blessings. There are worse things than having to wait a day or two to have sex with your spouse.
I hope something in these comments made sense.
James and Steve- your observations have been excellent and you have hit on all the bases. Well done and much needed.
From a woman’s perspective NFP is absolutely emasculating to a man. Why else would it be such a popular weapon. And the new sensitive 90s man has to go along with it to seem “so wonderful, caring, so girly”.
And this whole “co-creator with God” routine is part of the problem. It raises us up to God’s level (and how foolish does that look?) We’re supposed to be doing God’s will not dictating God’s will and then trying to make it something holy.
What clued me into the NFP debacle is the way I was constantly derided by “faithful Catholics” with interrogations that began, “Don’t you know about NFP” and then a simplistic explanation of it, why I MUST stop having children immediately the reasons ranged from my health, my marriage, the other children, finances. And then when priests started bringing it up in the confessional to women friends of mine it all came clear.
What are the NFP pushers afraid of?
When you are open to life you start to make everyone else look bad and even worse- feel bad, even guilty. And we can’t have that.
If you want to live without regrets skip the mandatory NFP brainwashing. And for all you NFP nazis, rather than dictate why we should not have children if you are really so kind, helpful and concerned do something to help a large family, not hinder it.
We are co-creators with God, but not in the sense that we are equal to Him. All living things in the visible world can reproduce, humans included. What makes us co-creators is that we understand what we are doing when we reproduce, that we have the responsibility for another immortal soul, and that it is something that ought to be, at least to some extent, entered into through our use of free will. Animals have no control over the sexual instinct; humans do. Exercising that self-control is not “emasculating.”
To reiterate what I said above, all this is not to say that any particular couple must use NFP to space or limit births or to try to conceive. That is up to the individual couple to decide. Both couples who use it and those who don’t should be making their decisions with consciences informed by the Church. Those who want NFP classes to be required for engaged couples are simply looking for a way to present an alternative to the assumption that most engaged couples have: cohabit before marriage, use contraception until you want a kid or two, then when you have your one or two, get sterilized. Few have heard the truth that sex and babies are inextricably linked and NFP communicates that fact by proposing something most of our culture has never considered: if you don’t want a baby (or ought not to have one right now), don’t have sex.
Also to reiterate a bit, I always hold out hope that conversations on Catholic sites will be less prone to anger and forgetting that there are human beings on the other side of the conversation, not just machines and unthinking computers. Calling people “nazis” and complaining that those of us who use NFP are “brainwashed” is not conducive to a real discussion and is generally counterproductive. Let’s please stick with the virtue of charity, even if we disagree on how to apply the virtue of prudence. :-) It is unfortunate that some people’s experience has been a lack of charity from those who use NFP and misjudge other people’s reasons not to use it; it is also unfortunate that that same lack of charity sometimes goes the other way as well. And I have a feeling that those on both sides are misjudging those who deal with infertility and can’t have a large family either way, NFP or no.
Very troubling here is the assumption that those who use NFP and only have a few kids are HAPPY with that situation. You do NOT know how many pregnancies have been attempted by such couples, NOR do you know how many pregnancies might have been lost. From reading these posts, I’m beginning to understand the insecurities felt by couples who move in “faithful Catholic” circles, who would welcome a dozen kids, but have only been blessed with one or two.
Troubling, too, is this judgement of others about “just cause.” Say what you want about the selfishness of western society, you are NOT there when the couple is reading The Chart every month. You do not know what might be causing them to postpone pregnancy. At the end of your life, God might show how you were being selfish for “only” having 10 children, while another couple was being extremely open to life when they discerned that God was calling them to have 2.
I thank God that I know the sympto-thermal method because it’s helped me (and my incredulous doctors, amazed to have a patient know that much about her body) in the diagnosis of other medical problems, unrelated to conception issues.
I know that what I write here isn’t going to change anyone’s mind. Your notions of the “NFP culture” seem pretty fixed. Well, that’s fine, but PLEASE try to look more charitably upon others.
Sorry if I’M coming across as uncharitable. I guess the whole “it’s unfair to men because I want sex when I want it” comments simply don’t jibe with what the CATECHISM says about marital relations. (See Scott W.’s post, for example.)
If you’re squeamish about the body, then you are squeamish about something that God designed, puposefully and intentionally. I want to know more about this God I love, and a good way to know more about the Creator is to learn of His creation.
Maybe it’s because I have a science background, but I’ve always seen the design as good. Complicated, messy, weird to our clouded human minds, yes, but ultimately good, precisely because it is God’s design. And making myself more familiar with how he intentionally designed things is nothing but good, as far as I can tell. And I do understand the “fearfully and wonderfully” part; astoundingly and bring-you-to-your-knees awesomely designed, is more like it. But then again, I’ve dissected a human corpse and loved every one of the 600+ muscles I cut into, the brain that I sliced up and the arteries, veins and nerves that I unknotted. It’s the most beautiful work of art I have ever seen.
Boogers, turds, menstrual blood, etc. are all “icky” and exactly what God wanted and intended to design. And a fertility that is cyclical and periodic is all part of how He intended it to be. To learn about what He designed is, I maintain, a good thing. To use the information to help discern His will in (my) life is also a good thing.
Anna wrote:
“Let’s please stick with the virtue of charity, even if we disagree on how to apply the virtue of prudence.
”
Okay, I’ll take the bait. Is it charitable to accost people who are expecting a baby and interrogate them about why they are not using NFP?
And as for generosity and accepting 2 children and selfishness in having 10 children- do you not get that this doesn’t make any sense?
It absolutely is not more generous to “accept” 2 children than 10. Maybe it’s math the NFPers don’t get.
NFP is a great way to justify selfishness. And a great way to lambast people who are really being faithful to God and obeying His Will.
Your quote is very apt and you expose your belief that a family that does not restrict the number of children God wants to send them is imprudent. Sacrifice usually is, especially when what is meant by prudence laid bare is really self indulgence.
St John Vianney, very imprudently and uncharitably said, “There is many a woman in hell who would not have the children that God intended her to have.”
I’ve been following this discussion for several days, wanting to join in, but considering my words carefully. Thanks to all for such thoughtful considerations.
Mary Alexander said:
And as for generosity and accepting 2 children and selfishness in having 10 children- do you not get that this doesn’t make any sense?
My wife and I are one of those couples. When we married, our assumption was we’d have a great number of children. I personally wanted at least ten. I saw this as concrete proof of my generosity, and demonstrable evidence that I’d been the best possible Catholic. But in hindsight, I recognize this attitude as being increadibly selfish. For me (and I’m not speaking for or judging anyone else), I now see that wanting 10+ kids was simply a matter of proving myself a better Catholic than anyone else. For me, having those ten kids would’ve been an extremely selfish act. It would’ve been all about me, and what a tremendous Catholic I was.
Our first child was conceived on our honeymoon — proof to me that we were well on our way to “proving” ourselves as having the Ultimate Catholic Marriage. And then a funny thing happened: the pregnancy took a remarkable physical toll on my wife. We did have two more children, but each one debilitated her more and more. The third delivery followed an ambulence ride to the hospital, and we were lucky neither she nor the baby died. Suddenly, we were faced with the realization that maybe God only wanted us to have three. And maybe there was a reason for that. (And, BTW, responding to some other commentators, we really wished we’d learned NFP before we got married, when her cycles were normal, rather than in the postpartum period when her system was so topsy-turvy.)
Today, six years later, my wife appears healthy on the exterior, and it’s easy to judge her on the exterior — but we and our doctors know that another pregnancy would likely kill her. We’ve been quietly living the strictest version of NFP, able to engage in relations maybe twice a month if we’re lucky. I put up with this not because I’m “emasculated,” but because I love her and the three kids we’ve been blessed with so much. For us, it’s a tremendous sacrifice to have “only” three kids — and it has taken a tremendous amount of generosity to embrace that aspect of God’s will for us. It’s much more difficult, and much more sacrificial, than it would have been to have had sex all the time and had the ten kids we originally wanted. And believe me: NFP is much too difficult to use with a “selfish” or “contraceptive” mentality. If you doubt it, try waiting 21 days for the wife’s fertility to pass (as we did this last cycle) — and being cheerful and happy, because that’s shorter than usual (23 days is not unusual for us). Then try repeating that every single cycle for six years, because you love your wife too much to get her pregnant with the next of the kids you originally sought to “prove” you had the Ultimate Catholic Marriage.
My wife and I learned a long time ago not to pass judgment on other people’s circumstances or reasons for using NFP. Our buzz-phrase is “Everybody’s got something.” Every family has a Cross. It may not be evident to the casual observer, but it’s extremely difficult for that family. And there’s no point in wishing you had somebody else’s Cross instead of the one you’ve got. The couple suffering from infertility, or the couple that’s had 10 miscarriages but no babies, may get to have relations 100x more often than we do — but their pain is doubtlessly 100x times as difficult, just in different ways. NFP is the cross God has given us, and we embrace it as our own.
And we thank God for NFP. Because we’ve followed the rules so strictly, it’s been 100% effective for us in avoiding pregnancy these last six years. And without it, each month, we’d have zero rather than once-or-twice.
Please remember us, and the many hundreds of other quietly-suffering familes like us, the next time you prepare to criticize NFP or judge the intentions of those using it. There is far too much, beneath the surface, that you cannot know and never will know, until the Day everything is revealed to us all.
NFP cheerleaders can certainly go overboard with the pitch. However, because of the ubiquituousness, availability, and convenience of the usual contraceptives, they have got lots of sales resistance to overcome and are tempted to overplay their hand in their cheeleading. Most (not all mind you) of it is excusable.
However, the over-inflated rhetoric of the anti-NFP’ers: “NFP nazi”, “brainwashing” “burn the charts” (how about simply, “forget the charts?” or even, “throw away the charts?” No. “<i>BUUUUURRRRNNN</i>!”) is not.
Mary Alexander - I’m so envious of the fact that you have the gift of being able to look at another person’s soul and see it exactly as God does.
What exactly do you want? Do you want every couple to toss their charts? Do you want NFP teachers to scare their students with stories of long periods of abstinence and sexual frustration?
What I’d like is the following:
1) NFP instructors to actually tell people that one should not avoid pregnancy unless there are grave reasons. See Thomas Aquinas on grave matter.
2) My NFP-using friends to shut up, and stop treating my wife and I as if we were irresponsible and amoral for not using NFP. While they’re at it, they could clam up about their own cycle, their sex lives, etc. and stop asking my wife and I about ours. For all they know, we could have a Josephite marriage.
“Please remember us, and the many hundreds of other quietly-suffering familes like us, the next time you prepare to criticize NFP or judge the intentions of those using it.”
Chris, I haven’t read all the comments, but I don’t think anyone here would object to your use of NFP. In fact your own family’s situation is precisely the kind of thing NFP (an unfortunate term, by the way) is meant to address. By using it you are not “planning your family”, but preventing extreme hardship and possibly saving a life. That’s what it’s there for.
What I object to is the idea that not using NFP is by definition irresponsible. Many NFP advocates give this impression. But it seems to me that the default Catholic position is a genuine openness to conception with every act of marital intercourse. Due to the weakness of our nature, the Church has provided a means for couples to enjoy the unitive benefits of marital relations with a greatly reduced probability of conception, when reasons for so doing are sufficiently grave. But that is far from the ideal, is it not? Don’t you think that promoting NFP as something normative skates a little too close to encouraging a contraceptive mentality?
Exercising that self-control is not “emasculating.”
But treating it as if it were up for negotiation, rather than being generous with your spouse with your body, as is commanded by the marriage right/debt IS emasculating to a man, and demeaning to a woman.
There are plenty of opportunities to excercise self control. Spouses get sick, or visit family, or have friends unexpectedly drop by, or ghast — have large numbers of children that provide any number of distractions randomly.
Shame, yes. Squeamishness, no. The second is the old Manichean idea that the body is bad - and if that is the case, then it doesn’t matter what is done with it. Hence all the shamelessness we see these days.
I’m sorry… there’s nothing wrong with being squeamish with handling of various bodily fluids. I feel it’s perfectly natural to think mucous is gross. Same with vomit, bowel movements, etc. Thinking such things are disgusting is perfectly natural.
Jeff -
I guess our experiences differ; I haven’t met many NFP cheerleaders who claim NFP is normative or necessary for a happy marriage. What some do say is that many/most married couples will at some point need to postpone a pregnancy…as a result, NFP is an important skill to be aware of (and to be well-versed in it, ahead of the need — it’s very hard to learn NFP when a woman’s fertility is returning post partum. Trust me on that one.)
To all those who, like Jeff, would object to the idea that not using NFP is by definition irresponsible. And agree that Many NFP advocates give this impression.
Yes, we’ve all met particular NFP cheerlearders who might rub us the wrong way, or who are overzealous. But let’s be specific. Could someone please supply an incriminating quote from an NFP manual that illustrates your objection? I have both the current and the previous editions of CCL’s “Art of Natural Family Planning,” and am having a tough time finding anything I would object to in this regard.
Here’s a quote from Greg Popcak’s “Beyond the Birds and the Bees”:
“Explain to your sons that as God is giving them the gift of their sexuality, He is asking them to spend the next several years learning how to use that gift properly. Part of that means that if he marries, he will be responsible for working with his wife to determine God’s will for their lives, including when to have children and how many children to have. These are decisions that need to be made every month in collaboration with his wife and with prayer. (emphasis mine - Jeff) After he is married, part of his responsibility will be to help his wife do something called charting, which means that he will write down the different signs that tell how healthy his wife is and when they could have a baby. I am aware of some families where the brother may chart his sister’s temperatures for her, or even some cases where the mother shares her own NFP chart (minus the coitus record, of course) with the intent of acquainting the young men and women of the house with NFP. I also know some families who object to this idea on privacy or modesty grounds.”
There’s a lot wrong with this whole approach, in my opinion.
Here’s another one from Greg Popcak:
http://tinyurl.com/56rcfp
“When a couple practices NFP they discern each month which set of virtues God is calling them to exercise in their marriage. Through prayer and intimate communication, the couple asks each other if this month God is calling them to celebrate their life giving love by conceiving, or if God is calling them to work on strengthening their marriage in other ways so that in the future — perhaps next month — the couple will be able to celebrate a love so powerful that, as Scott Hahn says, ‘in nine months it has to be given a name.’
This way, the couple is always thinking about God’s unique plan for their lives, and they work together closely to protect both the unitive and the procreative ends of their marriage. In both cases, the couple is always open to life (unlike the couple using artificial birth control who tends to assume they are not having children unless there is some dramatic change), but they practice this openness responsibly; making sure that while they don’t give into selfishness and close themselves off to children, they also give serious, prayerful thought to the state of their marriage, their health, and the continued well-being of the children they already have before they conceive. And since these factors can change dramatically from month to month, the NFP couple prayerfully re-evaluates their circumstances each month with the intention of asking, ‘What — if anything — can we do to be ready to accept a new life from the Lord.’”
This is typical Popcak. While not coming right out and saying that non-NFP-using couples are irresponsible, his message is that NFP is appropriate for every Catholic marriage, and he implies that those who do not use NFP are failing in their duty to “give serious, prayerful thought to the state of their marriage, their health, and the continued well-beling of the children they already have before they conceive”.
This is not much different from the secular, utilitarian argument that growth in population reduces the “well-being” of people already here.
“I am aware of some families where the brother may chart his sister’s temperatures for her”
Wow… that’s simply disgusting.
St John Vianney, very imprudently and uncharitably said, “There is many a woman in hell who would not have the children that God intended her to have.”
This quote is in reference to abortion, which was the most common birth control of the time period.
“I am aware of some families where the brother may chart his sister’s temperatures for her”
Okay, I understand how someone could think that’s a good idea. But will someone explain the part I don’t get: How does any family, what with rising food and gas prices, etc, manage to afford the amount of crack they apparently are smoking? I mean, I shop sales and try to live simply and all, but I don’t have that much spare cash. Can anyone clue me in? I promise I won’t spend it all on drugs.
Anna,
I fixed your formatting. (If you have trouble with the format, just highlight the problem text and click the little eraser icon on the right side of the toolbar to clear the formatting.)
And I snorted, loudly, when I read “How does any family, what with rising food and gas prices, etc, manage to afford the amount of crack they apparently are smoking? ”
It’s a great question.
I would like to say that I think some of the commenters on here have either 1) misunderstood well meaning NFP-cheerleaders or 2) have run into a very few (and very rude) NFP users who have made them feel inadequate for how they have chosen to offer their fertility to God.
In the case of the quotes from Dr. Popack above, it takes some stretching to come at this as an insult to those who do not use any form of NFP or contraception, but rather offer their fertility fully to God. I hardly think Dr. Popcack meant the statement as any sort of insult. This group here, we are such a minority, do we really have to waste all our energy fighting each other. For what it’s worth, Dr. Popcack has his own blog and you can feel free to write him and ask him if he meant that comment as an insult to couples who are open to life without using NFP. I seriously doubt he did.
I understand, those who don’t practice NFP must feel ignored and invisible. You don’t contracept, but you don’t use formal NFP and therefore you aren’t really addressed by anyone. I think that as time goes on and the pendulum continues to swing, there are going to be more and more families called in this way and the church will again recognize your way of family planning, which is to give it all to God. If you put your anger at NFP because you feel ignored or pressured, I am sorry. Those who have the means, the health, the personality for this lifestyle have every bit of support from me and from any number of NFP teachers and users. I would never tell a couple that they *had* to use NFP when their choice instead is to let go and let God. If you have run into NFP users who have made you feel this way, I apologize for them. They do not speak for all NFP users or teachers. So please don’t judge me and my intentions as an NFP supporter for their sins and misdeeds.
Anytime someone is in a situation where they are a minority, it is easy to feel judged and mistreated. I work a lot with women who suffer from infertility. When these women are asked questions about their family plans or why they don’t have any children yet, they feel attacked and tend to react very strongly, even for someone with innocent intentions but maybe misplaced judgment and nosiness.
So what I say to those who do not use NFP to help plan their families is that I applaud you, I support you 100%, and I would never put you down for your decision. I don’t know who these so called NFP supporters are who rudely insert themselves into your family’s personal decisions and sex lives, but I have never met any NFP people like that and I hope that in charity you reminded them that your sex life is your own and none of their business. It is unfortunately the state of our society, with blogs and myspace and the oversexed world we live in that we live in the time of TMI - too much information! Some people take that to mean they are allowed to ask questions they really aren’t, and then give their opinion on things they do and don’t like. But you know what, you’re going to get that in many different areas of life. I constantly have complete strangers telling me how they had a vasectomy so they wouldn’t have any more children. I never asked and I didn’t give a crap, but they told me anyway, just in casual conversation. You can run into unpleasant people in any situation, but don’t judge an entire group of people based on that. If my daughter’s teacher is rude to me, do I assume all teachers are rude? Even if 3 or 4 of her teachers are rude, I still don’t make that assumption. So please give the same courtesy to NFP’ers who by and large have been the most loving, generous, nicest people I have ever met. On the other hand, I am certainly having a hard time forming a positive opinion of those who do not use NFP from the comments on this page; but I will do my best to give you all the benefit of the doubt and still pray for us all to make the best decisions for our own families without having to face the judgment from others who don’t know us and our circumstances. The bottom line is that how you plan your family is really no one else’s business. I think the tools of NFP are great for a marriage and support the mandatory course of NFP for engaged couples if for no other reason to shake them out of their contracepting ways (at my EE, only me & my husband and one other couple were not already contracepting, out of about 75 couples) and open their eyes that there are other ways to postpone pregnancy *when necessary*.
have run into a very few (and very rude) NFP users who have made them feel inadequate for how they have chosen to offer their fertility to God.
Few? How about all of my Catholic friends who aren’t trads? (save one) It’s MUCH more common than you think. It’s probably going to lead to my wife and I disassociating with them completely if it doesn’t end soon.
I understand, those who don’t practice NFP must feel ignored and invisible. You don’t contracept, but you don’t use formal NFP and therefore you aren’t really addressed by anyone.
I WISH I were ignored! That’s the whole point… my wife and I have been brow-beaten by the pro-NFP crowd. This isn’t some stupid attention grab by those who criticize people who preach the gospel of NFP.
Aaron,
I don’t know what to say; your experience does not reflect my experience with the NFP crowd. I don’t think it’s NFP that makes these people rude, I think they must just be rude inside and would be rude no matter what form of family planning they are using. Please don’t generalize all NFP users as such though.
Great post.
I’m amazed the controversy this article (NFP Club) has triggered.
I posted about it on my own blog, and there is quite the heated discussion going on in the comments.
It’s amazing pre-Vatican II and post.
Mary Alexander wrote, “It absolutely is not more generous to “accept” 2 children than 10. Maybe it’s math the NFPers don’t get.”
You’re completely ignoring the differing circumstances that families may have.
Say one couple has a good income, a very patient nature and in every way the means to raise 12 kids, but they choose to have only six. They’re not being as generous and as open to life as they COULD be.
Another couple has a wife who suffers from crippling postpartum depression that leaves her nearly unable to function. Having even two children could be a monumental act of unselfishness for them.
No one an ever know all the details of a marriage except for those IN that marriage. The Church, in her wisdom, as allowed each couple to discern what “serious reasons” are to avoid pregnancy, and I don’t think any of us are called to try to step into Her place and judge others.
And I second those who have pointed out that there are many couples who struggle with infertility or have lost a precious littl