w4342I read a lot of science fiction. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s a genre that excites the imagination and allows for us to explore the possible in ways that are virtually limitless.

So take a walk with me, will you? A walk into a possible future.

Let’s say that in this future, medical technology has become sufficiently advanced that medical implants can be installed which will disperse pharmaceuticals at regular intervals for years. Decades even. Doctors can remotely monitor the dosage, check vital signs, and make necessary adjustments without ever troubling you to come in for a visit.

When it comes to your health, you just set it and forget it!

Now let’s imagine that in addition to your seasonal antihistimines, your mood-enhancing seratonin reuptake inhibitors, and your cholesterol-fighting statins, you also have an implant for the peskiest of medications. You know what I’m talking about. The pill that if you forget to take, a little parasite grows inside you, diverting your body’s nutrients, making you lethargic and moody, and ultimately becoming so large that it bursts out in a gory mess from a place that you’d rather not think about.

That’s right. I’m talking about your birth control.

Who has time to hassle with pills, barriers, creams, shots, patches, and the like? All the nuisance of running a chemical defense screen really saps the joy out of hot nights filled with casual sex with consensual partners you identified through a GPS-powered location-based “hookup” app on your phone, amiright?

I mean, who doesn’t want a radio transmitter in their butt that could effectively render them sterile at the whim of a complete stranger?

So instead, why not outsource the worry to someone who went to school for this? Someone who routinely wears a white coat and gets to say cool words like “plasmapheresis” at the office? Why not let someone — perhaps a lab technician or a nurse’s assistant you’ve never even met — have a remote control kill switch on your fertility for the next sixteen years?

What. Could. Go. Wrong?

If Bill and Melinda gates have their way, this fantastically convenient future could be yours for the implanting! I mean, who doesn’t want a radio transmitter in their butt that could effectively render them sterile at the whim of a complete stranger? Especially since our government never acts coercively in matters of health care, uses its bureaucratic tentacles to harass political dissenters, or invades our privacy for no reason.

And it’s not like any government has ever tried forced sterilization before. And even if they did, it could NEVER HAPPEN IN AMERICA. That’s just a paranoid delusion whipped up by the Tea Party!

I, for one, look forward to a world where our fertility is just one more thing we don’t even have to think about. And why should we have to, when someone else is willing to do it for us?!

After all, despite any Supreme Court ruling to the contrary, we all know we have a fundamental human right to be provided by our government with the means to enjoy consequence-free sex as much as we damn well please!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This